Once upon a time:
*I had a baby
*Gained 45 pounds
*On top of the 15 pounds I was so close to losing before I got pregnant
*Which is technically on top of the 35 I gained after college when my thyroid dumped me
*And blindly believed I would work it off after baby
*I may have peed off about 15 pounds
*Then I ate 10 of that back
*It could have been the Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome, the insulin resistance or the hypo-active thyroid…
*But then I would just be pointing fingers because
*Bottom line? I had a major mama muffin top
*And?
*It wasn’t pretty
*So I tried
*Weight Watchers
*Nutri-system
*South Beach
*Counting calories
*Working out till I was blue in the face
*Getting on the scale to check my progress and
*Looking for the nearest pint of Ben & Jerry’s to drown my sorrows in
*Life went on
*Buttercup turned one
*Then two
*And I realized I was still holding on to 35 pounds of pregnancy weight
*So I wrote a book
*And tried
*Weight Watchers
*Nutri-system
*South Beach
*Counting Calories
*Working out till I was blue in the face
*And?
*Looking for the nearest int of Ben & Jerry’s to drown my sorrows in
*Obviously
*Something wasn’t working
*Or maybe all of it wasn’t working
*Then again, the more accurate statement would be that
*My Body wasn’t working
*So
*I
*Tried
*Something Different
*Gluten-free
*Dairy-free
*Low-carb but
*Healthy grains
*Eating clean
*Which means bu-bye sugar!
*(I miss you Ben & Jerry’s)
*And even though I had
*An occasional run in with a bag of Doritos
*And walked into a Snicker’s Bar
*My scale and I made up
*Mainly because it stopped calling me a fat ass when I stepped on it
*But that also could be because
*I have lost 15 pounds since November
*And
*35 in the last year
*Which means
*I am five pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight
*12 pounds from weighing the same as The Husband
*13 pounds from weighing less than The Husband
*And?
*25 pounds from my wedding weight
*Which means?
*I am halfway to passing go and collecting my MILF card.
*And?
*Halfway to my very own version of
*Happily Mother After.
The End
Announcer’s voice: Don’t miss the next book in the Happily Mother After series in which Pauline throws the scale out the window after peeing on a stick.
Pauline’s voice: Can we clarify for the audience, please?
Announcer voice: Hmm? Oh Right. (Clears voice) No sticks were peed on in the making of this blog post.
Pauline’s voice: Thank you.
Announcer’s voice: You’re welcome.
That is very impressive.
I have a similar story but I never wrote a book. I had baby #1 & 2 and went right back to pre-pregnancy weight. Woo hoo. But had #3 and boom I ballooned out, no longer did I have morning sickness for 10 months and I could eat….I ate a lot. Hubby in war, so ate even more. After baby #3 I went to try on a dress for a dance, it was too small, the more I went up the more depressed I got, so I ate. Baby #4 was the same as #3 and I’d basically given up. A few years ago I tried dieting and called it that, never again. I didn’t have much support back then. This year I began on the first with a support group, I’ve lost 10lbs. Keep up the fun posts. I really enjoyed it.
LOVED how you did this….Great job!!
I just went on a detox diet (which is just eat only healthy stuff, no meat, no dairies (except plain non fat yogurt), only whole wheat, eating as much as I want, and am also noticing that the weight is coming off, and the bloating is coming off…
the thing is, I can’t keep this up indefinitely, can you?
hilarious post btw
Thanks Angelica.
Good job on the detox diet. Glad to hear it’s working for you. In answer to your question, I have every confidence I can maintain this. It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle. It sounds trite, but it’s true. I have spent the last 15 years trying to figure my body. I have tried every diet, every exercise program, every thing I can possibly try. This is working for me. I have no intention of going back to what doesn’t work for my body. It’s also important to note that this is easy for me. My Husband and daughter are on gluten-free diets, so the only major change was not buying gluten containing products for me in the house. Bottom line is that I am not dieting. I am celebrating the fact that I finally figured myself out. Good luck in your journey!
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O.M.G Yes, I was amused and entertained! I laughed, I cried, I went searching for the pint of ben and jerry’s that may have been hidden! I Love this post and can relate SOOOO much! you made me think about it – I’m smaller than pre-baby #2 weight! WOOT!!!! still a long road ahead but I’m honored to travel it wiyth you! you are fantastic!