Dear Lane Bryant,
I know I’ve been kind of…distant lately. *Shuffles feet* And I know I’ve stood you up on more than one promised shopping date. *Stares at the ground* So really, I would totally understand if you wanted to break up with me. Frankly, it would save me the trouble of having to do it myself.
Look, Lane. We’ve had this conversation before. You being too needy? And why do I always have to pick up the tab? I NEED MY SPACE!
I’ve thought about this long and hard, Lane. And because you haven’t really taken any of the hints I have been dropping, I’ve decided to just drop the “letting you down easy” bit and just tell it like it is.
So here are my Top Ten reasons for why I am dumping you for Other Stores.
10- You lie. A size 14 at your store is not a size 14 for the Rest of the World. You want proof? Just take a look in my pre-pregnancy clothes bin from five years ago. I have size 14′s in there that I JUST GOT BACK INTO (and yes, thank you, my ass looks pretty cute in them) so it makes no sense that the 14′s in your store today are falling off of me after I have zipped them up.
9- You are a not a cheap date. Have you looked at your price tags, lately?
8- It’s not you…it’s me. No, really. I’ve outgrown you. And by that? I really mean I’ve gotten too small for your britches.
7- I don’t want to be tied down right now. It’s true. Go ahead and call me a retail slut. I don’t care. But I have had no choice but to shop at your store since I pushed Buttercup out my hooha, and this retail monogamy has gotten kind of stale. And really…it’s not like you were being all that faithful to me.
6- Have you seen the rest of that big world out there? I just realized it was here in front of me the whole time. Old Navy. Coldwater Creek. New York and Company…new styles. New sizes. New reasons to stare at my Cuter Than it’s Been in Four Years and Nine Months Ass in the full length mirrors in the dressing room.
5- I need to be able to express myself. And frankly, having to send the sales attendant morsecode messages for her to decipher in silence indicating my frustration that the smallest size in your store is too big for me to avoid the Evil Death Stares from bigger women doing their shopping was really just stifling me. I’d much rather walk into Any Other Store and ask for a 14 without having to give a damn what the size 0′s are snickering about.
4- Don’t take it personally. We had a good time while it lasted. And you really were good to me. I swear that a few of my favorite wardrobe staples say Lane Bryant on the label. If you hadn’t changed your sizing, things might be different today.
3- The irony here is that now that I am too small for you, Lane, I may find myself in need of you again. At least if The Husband has his way. Which is why…
2- I’m not necessarily calling this a break up.
1- Just a trial separation.