There are infinite number of ways to embarrass oneself when The Husband and The Father-in-law share a first name.
Today was way #457. Not too shabby, considering I’ve been married to the Junior version for almost ten years now.
To be honest, I had no idea I had even blipped on The Father-in-Law’s radar today until I got a Not So Random text message this afternoon. It simply read:
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!
And when I first read it, I wondered why The Husband was yelling at me. Then I blinked, realized it was Senior who was asking me to explain something I had obviously done without realizing it, and wrote back:
Did I send you a message by mistake? I’m sorry. Especially if I said bad words. Because I probably did.
Then, I went into my text messaging history to see exactly what it was that I was about to apologize for. And it turns out I was apologizing for my bitch card. I’ve been waving it around a lot today, you see. First there was the Domino’s pizza that showed up 30 minutes late for Buttercup’s birthday party, leaving the kids with ten minutes to eat before the scheduled activity we had paid for. I’ve called the store a few times to do the Bitchy Mom thing and have yet to come across someone who can handle a partial refund.
Then there was the dress I bought that a store employee had talked me into and after zipping me into it, assured me fit my curves beautifully. Turns out she lied because the seam was separating from the zipper when The Husband tried pouring me into it at home and all of a sudden there was going to be an issue with this particular store’s No Return policy seeing as how I wasn’t cool with $99 on my credit card for an article of clothing that was calling me names like Fat Ass. Long Story Slightly Shorter than it Could Be, I called and talked to the manager and after explaining how she was going to give me a refund or I was going to be calling my credit card company and refusing the charge, she was more than happy to see things my way.
That’s when I texted BFF Heather and The Father-in-Law Who’s Fault This Really Is For Passing On His Name Probably Only Because He Thought It Would Be Hilarious to Receive Inappropriate Messages from Junior’s Future Wife Actually Meant for Junior Which Would Make Them Appropriate By Default because I’m sure this is something every proud father plans for when gazing upon their newborn son.
Manager is returning my dress. I pulled the bitch card.
BFF Heather, of course, totally knew what I was talking about. The Father-in-law, of course, totally thought I was in need of a dosage increase for my prescription pharmaceutical grade speed and very nicely tried figuring out what I may have been rambling on about without pointing out that this was totally like that One Time When I Was Still Dating Junior and Tried Calling After a Date and Totally Made an Ass of Myself, as is evident by the two hour time gap between my sending the message and his message back. If Senior just wanted to be an asshole, He would have written back immediately with something like:
Literacy is so overrated
A thong and a smile. You did want to know what I was wearing, right?
So obviously, the man was trying to help me maintain just a bit of my dignity, which is proof that he loves me in only that way that fathers-in-law can love their absent-minded ADHD daughters-in-law can. Sneaky, really, with Father’s Day coming up. Realizing my SNAFU, I texted BFF Heather:
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! (INSERT FULL EXPLANATION HERE)
got back a
and then sent off a message to The Father in Law:
Ok, so I checked. Bad Words were said. You can accept my apology after you stop laughing.