I have a friend who was recently complimented on her baby bump by a stranger who hadn’t realized she was pregnant until the stranger saw her turn around while waiting in line to place a lunch order.
“You’ve popped and I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” the stranger squealed, reaching out to rub the bump.
My friend stopped the woman in her tracks. Not because personal space and assholes and the laws that would land the average person in jail for punching this jackass, mind you. She simply thanked her for noticing her baby bump and then politely told her that she wasn’t pregnant.
“I’m just fat, thank you.”
The mortified stranger then offered to pay for my friend’s lunch. While tempting as a free meal may be, my friend decided to pass. If she was fat enough to garner congratulations on the muffin top baby she was growing that she had been blissfully unaware of until the very moment this bitch pissed in her bowl of happy ego flavored Cheerios, then she certainly didn’t need to add to the problem by you know, EATING.
In light of today’s events, I feel compelled to share with you a list. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Shit You Should Generally Never Say Outside of Your Head Unless You WANT to Sound Like a Giant Asshole
Question #1
Wow. You really gonna eat that?
Commonly heard from judgmental friends and relatives who freely comment on the size of your ass but seem to not own a mirror of their own.
Typical response: blank stare followed by a forceful bite, licking of lips, and a meaningful glare.
Translation: Fuck you.
Conclusion: Wow. You really gonna say that out loud?
Question #2
You are so cute. How far along are you?
Commonly heard everyday, anywhere, and usually when the woman being questioned is hormonal and craving chocolate.
Typical response: (from the unpregnant): blank stare, raised eyebrows, middle fingers, and immediate phone calls to Jenny Craig and our therapists.
More direct responses involve phrases such as “I’m not pregnant, asshole, I’m just fat.” and “Shall I forward my next therapy bill to your mailing address or should we just cut to the chase and you give me the cash I need to go drown my sorrows in a sugar-laden Ben & Jerry’s binge?”
Conclusion: Even if her water breaks in front of you, assume the woman has just peed her pants and politely offer a diversion so she can clean herself up while maintaining some dignity. Talk to an imaginary person in the chair next to you. I don’t care. Anything is safer than asking any woman if she is pregnant UNLESS she calls you an asshole for not noticing her water just broke, snaps at you for thinking your imaginary friend takes precedence over the baby she’s about to push out of her vagina, and suggests you figure out a way to get her obviously very pregnant ass to the hospital NOW.
Question #3
So when are you going to have another one?
Commonly heard: (the moment the umbilical chord is cut with frequency increasing with each passing year of the offspring who inspired the first question) Note: This question is almost always asked by the people who don’t realize they are being mentally crossed off of your X-mas card list.
Typical responses (Usually provided by those either with fertility issues or who’d rather just not discuss the frequency with which they get jiggy with their significant others: We’ll see. Maybe later. I’m not sure.
More direct responses include: None of your fucking business. Sorry to disappoint but my eggs are scrambled. I’m waiting for God to decide Jesus needs a baby brother so I can audition my womb for the reality show we all know will happen.
Question #4
What ARE you?
A frequently heard question asked by those who feel the need to label everything and everyone that they see.
Typical response: Mexican. No, really. First generation. Both sides. No, I am NOT mixed. Yes, I’m tall for a Mexican. Yes, I have kinky hair for a Mexican.
More direct response: Can you hear yourself talk?
Question #5
Wow, she/he is so BIG. How old are they?
Commonly heard from well-meaning strangers when they see your baby/toddler/child and decide to make small talk.
Typical response: Yes, she/he is very tall for her/his age, aren’t they? (Cue polite subject change.)
More direct response: Thanks for the complex, jackass.
So…what questions set you off?
My favorite answer to any stupid remarks: “Can you hear yourself talk?” I’m totally going to use that.
Carole Oldroyd recently posted..Favorite Things — Salt Cellars
Hi divas! I’ve had the “when are you due?” question hit me a couple of times in the last year. A few years ago my father asked me if I was pregnant and I told him that I wasn’t. Then he further pissed me off by saying “because you’d better not be.” Then I told him that even if I was pregnant, it would be my issue. Then I said that I’d give birth after he did. He hasn’t said ANYTHING about it since. lol I love my dad so much, but he royally pissed me off.
When other people say something like that, I get annoyed and do the blank stare rather than I’m just fat because I generally am a really nice person and do not want to disrespect people in return.
I also get the “when are you having the second one?” often. It doesn’t even faze me anymore. I just say when I get married. That usually shuts people up. Though recently, a neighbor said I didn’t have shame because I said that instead of just staying with my one. Why should I be ashamed of wanting to get married and having more kids? Beats me, but I don’t give a crap. I pay my bills, am a great mom and have my own home. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.
Twitter? Let’s discuss. Just don’t ask me if I’m pregnant. http://t.co/FjEF23xp
My personal *favorite*: “What’s wrong with your legs?” “Why do you need a wheelchair?”
My mental response: “Who dropped you on the head?”
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“What do you know about her mother?” I have two adopted children and my children’s birth story is for them. Not some stranger’s curiosity. And it goes all over me that they forget she has two mother’s one by biology and one by adoption. I get a lot of inferences that I am not and could never feel about her or she about me — as a biological pair.
Also, any trouble with my adoptive children. There are folks you get definite vibe “oh, but that’s what you get with an adopted child.” Better stop there. I’m focusing way too much on negative at moment.
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Sadly, I inspired this post –> Verbal Pet Peeves http://t.co/ZRNZQq57
Thanks, this is awesome! I cannot wait until I see her again and get to tell her the internet is talking about her.
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Feel free to print this bag boy up and hand out as PSA’s on street corners. I’m not in the mood today to deal with other people not thinking before opening their damned mouths. also? you are hawt. HAWT.
While pregnant: “You’re not due till WHEN?” Followed immediately by, “Are you sure it’s not TWINS?” Although, my personal favorite pregancy comment moment of all time was at the bus stop. As I waddled away with my kindergartner, two boys behind me whispered to each other, “Wow, she’s huge!” “Yeah, there must be at least 5 babies in there!” Since they were kids, I chose to chuckle, and not bite their heads off.
And the “so are you going natural or having an epidural” because no matter what you say YOU WILL BE WRONG!