I have a friend who was recently complimented on her baby bump by a stranger who hadn’t realized she was pregnant until the stranger saw her turn around while waiting in line to place a lunch order.
“You’ve popped and I didn’t even know you were pregnant!” the stranger squealed, reaching out to rub the bump.
My friend stopped the woman in her tracks. Not because personal space and assholes and the laws that would land the average person in jail for punching this jackass, mind you. She simply thanked her for noticing her baby bump and then politely told her that she wasn’t pregnant.
“I’m just fat, thank you.”
The mortified stranger then offered to pay for my friend’s lunch. While tempting as a free meal may be, my friend decided to pass. If she was fat enough to garner congratulations on the muffin top baby she was growing that she had been blissfully unaware of until the very moment this bitch pissed in her bowl of happy ego flavored Cheerios, then she certainly didn’t need to add to the problem by you know, EATING.
In light of today’s events, I feel compelled to share with you a list. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Shit You Should Generally Never Say Outside of Your Head Unless You WANT to Sound Like a Giant Asshole
Wow. You really gonna eat that?
Commonly heard from judgmental friends and relatives who freely comment on the size of your ass but seem to not own a mirror of their own.
Typical response: blank stare followed by a forceful bite, licking of lips, and a meaningful glare.
Translation: Fuck you.
Conclusion: Wow. You really gonna say that out loud?
You are so cute. How far along are you?
Commonly heard everyday, anywhere, and usually when the woman being questioned is hormonal and craving chocolate.
Typical response: (from the unpregnant): blank stare, raised eyebrows, middle fingers, and immediate phone calls to Jenny Craig and our therapists.
More direct responses involve phrases such as “I’m not pregnant, asshole, I’m just fat.” and “Shall I forward my next therapy bill to your mailing address or should we just cut to the chase and you give me the cash I need to go drown my sorrows in a sugar-laden Ben & Jerry’s binge?”
Conclusion: Even if her water breaks in front of you, assume the woman has just peed her pants and politely offer a diversion so she can clean herself up while maintaining some dignity. Talk to an imaginary person in the chair next to you. I don’t care. Anything is safer than asking any woman if she is pregnant UNLESS she calls you an asshole for not noticing her water just broke, snaps at you for thinking your imaginary friend takes precedence over the baby she’s about to push out of her vagina, and suggests you figure out a way to get her obviously very pregnant ass to the hospital NOW.
So when are you going to have another one?
Commonly heard: (the moment the umbilical chord is cut with frequency increasing with each passing year of the offspring who inspired the first question) Note: This question is almost always asked by the people who don’t realize they are being mentally crossed off of your X-mas card list.
Typical responses (Usually provided by those either with fertility issues or who’d rather just not discuss the frequency with which they get jiggy with their significant others: We’ll see. Maybe later. I’m not sure.
More direct responses include: None of your fucking business. Sorry to disappoint but my eggs are scrambled. I’m waiting for God to decide Jesus needs a baby brother so I can audition my womb for the reality show we all know will happen.
What ARE you?
A frequently heard question asked by those who feel the need to label everything and everyone that they see.
Typical response: Mexican. No, really. First generation. Both sides. No, I am NOT mixed. Yes, I’m tall for a Mexican. Yes, I have kinky hair for a Mexican.
More direct response: Can you hear yourself talk?
Wow, she/he is so BIG. How old are they?
Commonly heard from well-meaning strangers when they see your baby/toddler/child and decide to make small talk.
Typical response: Yes, she/he is very tall for her/his age, aren’t they? (Cue polite subject change.)
More direct response: Thanks for the complex, jackass.
So…what questions set you off?