1) I hate spiders.
2) If all the Disney Princesses tried to take out Wonder Woman in a fight, I’d put money on Wonder Woman. Hands down.
3) Real shredded coconut “tastes” like paper to me. Shut. Up.
4) When I am out in public here in Maine and make eye contact with another minority, they give me the Nod of Acknowledgment.
5) I always nod back.
6) Strangers can read anything I write. I’m not afraid of you judging me.
7) It took me a long time to get comfortable on my own blog to drop an F bomb. And look at you still reading, you naughty, naughty person, you….
It was liberating as hell when it finally happened.
9) Sometimes I have to pretend temporary amnesia when I write here & my column because now that my family knows what I do, the pressure is on, y’all.
10) I swear like a sailor but blush when people say that P word that rhymes with hussy (Hint: smartasses who try leaving comments containing that word will be deleted. Me and my virgin eyes can’t handle it, so don’t try it.)
11) I’m thinking of starting a podcast but am wondering if I have a voice for blogging.
12) I never got pregnancy/labor amnesia. So we got a new puppy. Since my ovaries hate me I guess I don’t have to worry, anyway.
13) Related? Only people without kids can say that raising a puppy is like having a child. We used to say it all the time. Then we had a child. All I’m saying is rubbing your kid’s nose in their pee spot on the carpet might not work out so well for you, so I’d advise against being stupid.
14) I was 5’1″ when I was 8 years old. My mother is 5,1″, which means I was wearing her pants in the third grade. Which also means I have only grown 5-inches in 27 years. Wow, that’s depressing.
15) My mother brought me home from the hospital in a Christmas stocking.
16) There’s a reason I prayed for a summer baby, y’all.
17) I was left standing on my porch, dressed for the senior year Homecoming dance, with mascara-stained tear tracks in my blush, when I realized the high school friends who had invited me to “go stag” with them never showed to pick me up.
18) I had my first kiss with my first boyfriend at 16 years old.
19) I speak really good Spanish when I’m drunk.
20) I never have time to get drunk.
21) My Spanish usually sucks.
22) My mother dressed me as a clown for Halloween one year and combed my Mexifro out into an afro and sprayed it to look like a wig. She must have done a really good job. I spent the entire Girl Scout party beating Brownies off my head as they all tried to yank my wig off so they could try it on themselves.
23) I hate clowns.
24) I had a reverse boob job when I was 24. The Husband looked like a proud new father when he told his friends that his wife’s former GG’s were now cute and perky DD’s.
25) Eliana fit in one of my old bikini cups when she was born. (Like you wouldn’t have tried?)
26) You know that scene in the original Blade movie where the vampires are in the underground club dancing in wild abandon as the sprinkler system showers them in blood? Yeah…that’s the song The Husband and I were introduced to at our wedding reception.
27) #26 was my idea. The Husband is still grateful.
28) I didn’t know MTV existed until I was 14. i also didn’t realize that our car radio played anything other than Mexican music or oldies stations. My social life? Sucked.
29) I’m the oldest of five girls. The youngest two are 10 and 11 years younger than me, and Mom used to make me wake with the crying babies at night and still go to school the next morning.
30) My mother is an evil genius.
31) I hate it when people refer to how big my daughter is. She’s tall, assholes, not big. Can we talk about how big you are now? Oh right, that’s not polite.
32) Milk makes me sneeze. A lot. Which makes me miss ice cream.
33) Bananas also make me sneeze. Which just makes me weird.
34) This is my third blog. The first two were me trying to write what I thought other people wanted to read.
35) Are you still reading?
36) My goal in life is to make it onto Graham Norton’s couch & the Top Gear track. I’ve got a think for BBC.
37) I typo. A lot. Deal with it.
38) I have ADHD and wish people knew that the condition doesn’t just mean I’m forgetful.
39) I homeschool and wish people didn’t assume that means my child is locked in a closet all day. We at least let her out for five minutes of sunlight every day. Twice on Sundays.
40) I once yelled at my sister for closing the car windows with my fingers in them after I told her to close the window and left my hand there.
41) I met The Husband online when online dating was still something to whisper about.
42) I was the Mexican Princess Searching for her Prince.
43) Chuck it up, people. Chuck it up.
44) I queried 45 agents before I got signed.
45) My agent never saw my query.
46) I’m Latina Magazine’s advice columnist only because I didn’t think I was going to get the job. Think about that one.
47) I write first and think about sharing later.
48) I never self-censor words that need to be written. I decide if they should be shared after. But I always write them.
49) I choked on water once. In a cup. Sitting at the kitchen table. Yes, I am that talented.