So I’m standing in the grocery store check out lane with Buttercup, patiently waiting our turn to pay when I made the mistake of actually skimming the headlines and blurbs about various celebrities relating to their weight, how they either lost it or keep it off, and why this should matter to me. And you. Because emulating Angelina Jolie did wonders for Octamom.
My eyes dart from one blurb to another and as each one gets seared into my brain and the only cohesive thought I have is that Buttercup will never be allowed to set foot in a grocery store again for fear of psychologically damaging her in an effort to pick up a gallon of milk.
BEYONCE SHOWS OFF HER NEW MOM BODY
Beyonce shows off her New Mom Body right next to a blurb parading empty promises. CGI, airbrushing, crash diets, and really creative camera angles will work for us Regular People, too, it seems. I’m assuming that means I should clear our the guest room for the personal macrobiotic chef and his entourage, right? Oh, but where will the nanny take care of my child while I workout with my personal trainer in my home gym for six hours a day so I can get to headline-ready shape before filming starts on my next blockbuster?
Wait…you mean that isn’t how this is supposed to work?
LOSE 13 POUNDS IN SEVEN DAYS EATING CAKE!
There’s only one way I can think of this actually happening…and that’s how I ended up in therapy the first time.
GET A BETTER BODY! CELEBRITIES SHARE THEIR CONFIDENCE BOOSTERS!
Because focusing on inner beauty and feeling good about the reflection in the mirror no matter what the scale says is exactly how y’all got onto the big screen to begin with, right?
DROP 47 POUNDS BY MEMORIAL DAY AND WALK OFF JELLY BELLY!
Hold the fucking train, people. They mean by Memorial Day of 2013, RIGHT?
THE BRIDESMAID STAR ON LOVING WHO YOU ARE!
FINALLY! A moment of clarity! A publication willing to buck societal expectations and instead celebrate who and what we are now instead of promoting the bullshit promising us that We Too Can Lose Six Pounds in Four Days and Feel Great!
Maybe other publications will start to do the same! Maybe a new generation of young and impressionable girls won’t be subjected to the planetary version of high school hell and come out on the other side the better for it.
Ladies Home Journal is jumping in with more insight on the subject…
WHY CAN'T WE SEE OUR REAL SELVES IN THE MIRROR?
I dunno…I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that could possibly have something to do with the contradictory messages about self-worth and body image and their direct correlation with the engrained importance of Other People’s Opinions in our psyche regarding how society perceives us to look? Maybe it’s the fact that our value as women is measured by today’s media using our measurements and not our achievements? No, wait! I’ve got it….
It’s because we were so busy eating cake for breakfast and losing 47 pounds by this Thursday that we totally forgot to clean the mirror, isn’t it? Silly us…
Oh that isn’t it?
WHO WANTS TO PLAY "FIND THE FAT CHICK?"
I’m being facetious, obviously. I think Melissa McCarthy is a talented actress with an adorable voice and I love her confidence. She also, in my humble opinion, happens to be gorgeous. That being said, I’m thinking product placement and the fact that the only reason I noticed the bottom rack (on multiple magazine racks, I’d like to point out) is because I was on my knees taking photos of random magazine covers for a blog post about how those mean old magazine covers called me Fat and Unhappy. And that’s when the cashier gives me my total and tells Buttercup how beautiful she is.
“I know,” she responds with the confidence she inherited from The Husband. Then she catches herself and notices that I seem to be waiting for something. She clears her throat. “Thank you.”
And we head for home, my four-year-old already learning that society appreciates the pretty things.