” Some women fallin love in advance of knowing a man because it is much easier to love a mystery.” — Mother Tongue by Demetria Martinez.

I haven’t read for myself, not regularly, anyway, in years. These days, I can recite The Cat in the Hat and Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by memory. But until recently, I couldn’t tell you the title of the last book I read that hadn’t been checked out or purchased for the  pre-K age group.

Then I signed up for The National Latino Writer’s Conference. And as the days brought me closer to my first conference, I decided to read as a way to calm my nerves. It would get my mind off the butterflies. And help me prep for meeting published faculty face to face.

Mother Tongue was one of my pre-conference frenzy reads. It’s a novel written as a memoir, a love story where you know he leaves in the end, yet can’t be mad at him because it was for the very best of reasons. I’ve oversimplified the plot almost to the point of sin, but I’m afraid to say too much; afraid I’ll spoil the beauty of the language on the page and the images contained within.

Demetria uses this book as the basis for teaching workshops on both fiction and non-fiction and I had the great honor of sitting in on a memoir writing session at the conference. I felt confident raising my hand and contributing to the discussion because earlier that day, I had already made an ass out of myself.

I had walked into the lunch session just a few minutes late and grabbed the first available seat I saw, ducking down as to not draw attention to myself and away from our speaker. I paid no attention to the dark-haired woman sitting in the seat next me. At our round table, the woman’s back was to me as she focused on the lunch time presenter. I did the same.

It wasn’t until she turned around to introduce herself that I realized who she was.

“Hi, I’m Demetria Martinez.”

She said it like I would say, ” Hi, my name is Pauline Campos,” or “The sky is blue.” Because to her, being who she is is not the same as hearing the name of the woman who wrote one of the most beautiful works ever written while the hand of that very woman is being extended in greeting.

For a moment, I was dignified.  I shook her hand. I told her it was an honor to meet her and reminded her that I had submitted a sample of my work for her to read. She nodded again.

Then I gushed.

“I’m reading Mother Tongue right now. It’s amazing! Every time I think you’ve stolen my breath for the last time, you do it again on the very next page.”

And Demetria? Bless her heart. She was humble. She was gracious. She joked that it was lovely to know her words were not just gathering dust.

“Dust?” I balked. “Of course not. They’re being treasured.”

And she waited for me to file through my memories until I was able to recite one of the most memorable lines in Mother Tongue…and there are many.

“He asks, have you kissed a man whose name you did not know?

I say, I knew the name but not the man.”

 

I met a girl with a tattoo.

Was amazed by the details at The National Hispanic Cultural Center.

Like this one.

Took a memoir writing workshop with Demetria Martinez, author or Mother Tongue.

And then took another photo of Something Totally Unnecessary.

And got a photo with Yesenia, the Girl with the Tattoo.

 

Take it as you will, because I’m no expert. Instead, I’m in the same boat as many of you: up a creek, no paddle, and trying to furiously navigate the strange and frustrating world between Writing Something and Getting it Published.

But I’ve done my homework. I know what has to be done, how to go about doing it, and when to bullshit when I haven’t a clue.

I did plenty of that at a recent writer’s conference. It was my first. I met writers in all stages of the game, shmoozed with famously awesome authors, and had my share of aneurysms when it was made abundantly clear the not everyone read the “What Not to do at a Writer’s Conference” manual I have written in my head.

In case you lost your copy, here are a few highlights:

10: Do NOT show up without a clue. It doesn’t matter how “new” you are to the writing game. Do your research. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question, but I happen to disagree. (See next item…)

9: Q&A sessions with editors and publishers are NOT the appropriate time shanghai the microphone, pitch your project, and then demand to know which editor is interested in your work. Can you say “you can only make one first impression and that one sucked?”

8: You will most likely meet published authors. Chat. Show some dazzling personality. But do NOT shove your unsolicited manuscript in their hands, walk off with your head high like you just did them a favor, and then return with a demand to know when they are going to finally read your work.

P.S.? The same goes for agents, editors, and other industry professionals. If they like you and ask for your work, *that’s* what you call a free pass. Run with it.

7: You will also meet authors and aspiring writers who’s work you just do not like. But guess what? That last open mic session was NOT about you. It was about the writer sharing their work. And that famous guy with the shiny new award? Yeah, he earned that. So if you don’t like their stuff, do NOT walk up to a table full of other Famous People with shiny new awards and tell them their book sucked. Ever see Bambi? If so, I refer to the Rule of Thumper

6: You’ve written a masterpiece. That’s great. You haven’t found anything else in the market like it. That’s fantastic. But if you are pitching a Self-Help/How-to/Financial Guide/Paranormal Memoir/Novella with Biblical references, foot notes, and quizzes that you are sure your readers will love, it’s time to step back and re-evaluate. There is a reason you have NOT found competition. So um, do your self a favor and refer to item #1, research, focus, and rewrite.

5: Try NOT to squee like a fan girl (or gay man) when faced with a Writer More Famous than Yourself. Especially if it’s an act and you don’t normally squee because faked squee’s are blatantly obvious to the squee-ee. If you are truly a squee-er (like me) then just tone it down a bit. Writers are not used to be jumped like rock stars backstage after a sold out concert. A simple “I am so honored to meet you” will nicely downplay your fainting upon uttering the last word.

4: You have a name. A job (presumably). And the only work you’ve ever read better sure as hell NOT be your own. My point? Do NOT just talk about your book. Networking and shmoozing are an art form in and of themselves, and if you can’t turn the Pitch Button off long enough for a glass of wine or a Conversation about Nothing that Can Turn Out to be Something, you might end up turning those around you off to further attempts to connect.

3: Get business cards. If you are ready to query, bring a polished package with a proposal, including sample chapters. Do NOT show up unprepared for that magical moment when you are asked for a sample of your work and have nothing to show for it. And the business cards? That’s just a given. So is that pitch you better be practicing so you do NOT just blink when an agent asks what you’re working on.

2: Have fun. Drink. Shmooze. Dazzle your new friends and contacts. But do NOT claim the wine bottle on the table as your own, stick a straw in it, and slur your way into oblivion. You might not remember what you say, but everyone else will.

1: Jeans and flip flops are appropriate for the plane ride to your conference. They are appropriate for the casual writing workshops when everyone else is wearing their Cute and Comfies. But if you’ve got a one-on-one interview scheduled with an industry professional? Wear that dress or the dress slacks and button up shirt you prettied up in for that last job interview. Because really? That’s what this is. If you want to be taken seriously, dress the part.

Oh, and Famous Writer Guy? Your book doesn’t suck. That shiny new award kinda speaks for itself.

 

Buttercup's doll

“I love you, Mama!” Buttercup’s eyes lit up as she ran to me when I walked in the door.

Hug, hug, kiss, kiss.

Then…”You got me a surprise? Ok, I close my eyes.”

The second part of that sentence was said without her waiting for an answer. Just chalk that up to the almost three years The Husband and I have spent riding high on our little girl’s smile every time we bring her something home. Even a found penny is considered treasure in her eyes.

But tonight was special.

I just arrived home after five days away at The National Latino Writer’s Conference and made sure to return baring a gift strong enough to erase the Mama-guilt I’d been sporting since booking the damned ticket six months ago.

And I found it. A sweet, hand-made little Mexican girl doll I found at the Hispanic Cultural Center’s Gift Shop. I was so excited at the prospect of actually giving Buttercup a doll that represented a part of her culture that the slightly WTF price tag didn’t stop me. And when I got home and gave her the doll, Buttercup squealed and then asked what to name her.

“Lola?” I said after thinking a moment.

“No, that’s not him’s name,” she told me. She’s been experimenting with pronouns lately and well, it hasn’t been going very well.

“Her, m’ijita. Now, what about Mercedes?” It’s our middle names. The Husband thought that one up and I was secretly hoping she’d pick that one.

“No,” Buttercup said, her finger on her chin. Then her eyes got wide and her mouth broke into a huge smile. “I know, mama! Him’s name Hannah!”

The Husband’s eyes met mine over our daughter’s head. He was trying not to laugh.

“Awesome. I bring home the most ethnic doll I can find and she names it Hannah.” I put my palm to my forehead.

Buttercup smiled up at me. “Yep, I named him Hannah. And I love him, too.”

End of conversation.

 

Prologue

It’s been a crazy week and as I sat down to post tonight, I realized I forgot to hit “publish” on the following little gem. I think I wrote it the day before I left for the conference.

Prologue: I did not look like an asshole. Ask my new friend, Craig. Or award-winning writer, actor, producer, and director Rick Najera.

****

I’m going to look like an asshole.

Or rather, I’ll probably look way cute. I did buy some pretty new clothes for the National Latino Writer’s Conference. What I meant to say is this: I’m going to sound like an asshole.

This is my first writer’s conference, and even though I’m brand-new at this I can already see the rapid-fire conversations as the 50 of us writer’s get to know each other.

“Hi! What’s your name?”

I can answer that.

Pauline Campos. Nice to meet you!

“Where are you from?”

Because I know how Latino’s think, I’ll cover all the bases here for brevity.

“My dad was from Nuevo Leon, Monterrey, I was born in Michigan, and I live in Arizona now.”

“What are you writing?”

I can handle this one, but I’m getting nervous because I know what’s coming next. So I take a deep breathe and try not to stutter.

“A memoir called Baby F(ph)at: Adventures in Motherhood, Weight Loss, and Trying to Stay Sane.”

“Wow, what’s it about?”

And this is where I fear I will lose it. I’ll stutter. I’ll trip up. I’ll forget that I just finished my 64 page proposal and a) either won’t be able to say anything at all or b) say so much that the interested smile disappears from Interested Writer or Friendly Agent and they make a nice excuse before moving away to find someone less uninteresting.

I’m great I think on paper. I wouldn’t have gone into journalism or actually gotten hired by any papers or started a damn book if I didn’t have at least the teensiest writer’s ego. But that’s on paper. And frankly, that isn’t enough to bank on for a book deal these days. Because even if you land a deal with just the query and never opening your mouth, there are going to be plenty of times where you speaking about your book is going to be required.

So it’s time to get the elevator pitch together.

The fantabulous Nathan Bransford has a blog post in which he discusses the one sentence, one paragraph, and two paragraph pitches. So let’s fast forward through the previous conversation with the one sentence pitch as my response.

“Wow, what’s it about?”

Baby F(Ph)at is what happened the day I decided to begin my search for a smaller ass two years after becoming a mother.”

But can I say “ass” in a verbal pitch? I’m thinking “no.”

So let’s try that again, shall we?

“Baby F(ph)at is what happened the day I decided to begin my search for my missing waistline two years after pushing the baby out.”

Ok? Good. Moving on.

Now for the one paragraph pitch.

Baby F(ph)at is what happened the day I decided to begin my search for my missing waistline two years after pushing the baby out. It’s the Latina Erma Bombeck for pudgy modern women and follows my journey as I try to shake the baby weight I gained, in real time, taking the reader through the realizations about weight loss as they occur.”

After typing it and saying it out loud a few times, I think I’m happier with the written version than the spoken. The last thing I want is to sound like I’m reading when giving the verbal pitch. Then again, social situations call for improvisation to steer the tone of the pitch, so this is a good stepping stone to work from.

Next is the two paragraph pitch.

Baby F(ph)at is what happened the day I decided to begin my search for my missing waistline two years after pushing the baby out. It’s the Latina Erma Bombeck for pudgy modern women and follows my journey as I try to shake the baby weight I gained, in real time, taking the reader through the realizations about weight loss as they occur.

I talk about medical issues that make it easy to gain and hard to lose. I use the “F” word and still consider myself a good mom. And even though the scale didn’t exactly cooperate, moms will relate to the idea that living a healthier life is more important than the size of your jeans. Staying sane while trying to do it is the icing on the fat-free cake.

I especially like my last line in this one.

And thanks to this little and very necessary exercise, I feel slightly less nauseated about pitching my book for the first time to total strangers who are under no obligation to pretend they like what I have to say just to amuse me.

So I’m just going to use that time on the plane to New Mexico to memorize my pitches and pray to God I keep my wits about me when the curtain rises. Which reminds me…who wants to tag along and hold my cue cards so don’t fall on my face?

Epilogue

I did not fall on my face.

Epilogue, part deux

In fact, I kicked ass and rocked it. #thankyouverymuch

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