I’m reading an old copy of a fashion magazine and just came across an advice column question in which the writer asks the advice-giver-outer why she can’t score an agent for her book. I mean, she sends them cookies! That she baked! (Why haven’t I tried that yet?)

Um, I’m gonna go out on a limb here with this one.

1) If your just sending cookies, they might confuse you with a harmless stalker who likes to bake.

2) If you are actually including the query, I’m thinking the cookies might actually be a distraction.

“Here’s query #45 of the day and OMG! Chocolate CHIP! Who wants one?”

Which can only lead to glasses of milk to dunk the cookies in and oh nos! That query was just totally made unreadable by that spilled glass so now you have no query in the agent’s hot little hands AND they don’t even know who to send the thank-you note (for the cookies, mind you) to.

3) If your cookies suck, you are so not getting a response.

4) If they don’t, I’m thinking they are better off saved for the agent who actually signs you. Which means the query needs to go out all on its lonesome. Send the cookies after the contract has been signed. You know, so you don’t look like a harmless talker who likes to bake.

5) Unless, that is, you are writing a cookie cookbook. Then, and only then, might your cookie-sending be an acceptable form of hooking said agents.

6) Oh wait…you’re not. Please refer to #4

I had one word when I came across these Booty Pop thingies at the store the other day…

“Seriously?”

The Husband could barely contain his laughter as I alternated between staring at my own Naturally-Popped booty and the “Hi, My Name’s Candy and I’m a Stripper!” accessory I can’t imagine ever needing to use.

“You should buy those,” he joked (I hope). “Would make for a great blog post.”

I glared at him, motioned to my J-Lo’s-jealous-nalgas (Spanish slang for booty, peeples) and just repeated myself. “Seriously?”

Then we came across these bad boys at Target. In the men’s section. My first reaction?

“Seriously?”

I asked The Husband if he wanted a pair. He likes comics. And he’d have been all about the Captain America’s. But then I imagined him running around our bedroom in with a sheet tied around his neck wearing his Man-der-roos in a superhuman effort to get lucky and told him to forget it in between the laughter and the tears.

And then we came across these on our last stop before heading home. Buttercup walked right up to the display before I could say anything, put one hand on the packaging, and looked up at me with a quizzical look on her face.

She said one word.

“Seriously?”

And she hadn’t even seen the commercial.

Seriously?

Yep…

That’s my girl.

Yep. You guessed it. My blogging capabilities are still limited to posts with no working links. Awesome, right?

Whatever.

(Feel free to add the Valley Girl twang. I know I did in my head.)

So in case you were wondering, I am not dead in a ditch somewhere. But thanks for caring. Really, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

A good twitter friend is planning on helping me get things up and running properly on Sunday, so I can finally get back to dazzling the world with my as-of-yet-undiscovered literary wit and perhaps woo my dream agent into selling the hell out of my don’t-call-it-a-memoir work in progress to a fantastically huge publishing house for a sick amount of money and a pinch-me-so-i-know-it’s-real advance.

Well, that’s the plan anyway. But reality is good, too.

(I’d link to “twitter” and my friend’s site, but….yeah. About that.)

For now, I’ll settle for my record bout of insomnia (I’ve been up since 7:30 a.m. on Thursday morning after four hours of sleep) waiting ever so patiently for Monday morning so I can get blood drawn to figure out if my thyroid, insulin, or that other thing are out of whack and causing said insomnia (‘cuz, for the record, I like to sleep). And of course there’s packing for that trip to Michigan I have to take in a week that is definitely NOT a vacation and only adding stress to the aforementioned trouble catching my precious zzzz’s.

I know you miss me and my drama. Hell, I miss writing about me and my drama. And my writing. And the reasons one should not blog after being awake for so long that one has now lost track of how many hours it’s been since one actually slept, solely based on the fact that slap-happy probably does not translate very well into blogger-eez.

So on that note, Ilocking up‘m off to pass out. Hopefully I’ll wake up in time to become famous again on Sunday.

And don’t worry…Cat (the Rottie), and Finnigan (her 17-pound Terrier master) will be sure to share their kibble with Buttercup while I sleep. It’s gluten-free and tastes like chicken, so my little Celiac Princess will be safe and sound. After all, she knows how to lock up.

When it rains, it pours. It’s a saying my mother loves, and right now I’m looking for an umbrella.

I’ve spent every moment on my daughter during the last 26 months, and woke up about five weeks ago with a voice in my head telling me that when it comes to me writing, it was pretty much time to either shit or get off the pot.

So I changed course. I dropped my old blogs (mostly.) I started a new one. I bought journal and got down with the “Dear Diary” crap for the first time in eight years. I wrote 10,000 words on the memoir I didn’t even know I had inside of me.

I spent too much money at Borders on books that I hope will steer me in the right direction for my writing career, too much time online trying to learn the ins and out of becoming More than Just a Writer.

That’s when it started to rain.

Out of nowhere, an email shows up in my from an individual asking for a ghost writer.

Huh? Moi? Seriously?

The person lives in my home state, and must have come across some of my bylines in local papers and magazines and decided I was the person to tell their story for them.

Wonderful. Awesome. What?

I called, we talked, I became intrigued. And scared. Really scared. Because I have no idea what the hell I am doing.

Oh, I’m not concerned about my writing skills and writing the manuscript for the author. No, I can handle that. But try looking up “Ghostwriting” on google and you’re going to spend more time sifting through other ghoster’s sites than you are going to find clear and concise information that will basically spell out to a newbie how the hell to connect point A and point Z so the process flows the way it should.

What to charge, what the contract should say, who contacts the agent, and what the general time line is for manuscript completion. And…and…and…right. All those other questions I don’t know to ask because I’ve never done this before.

I posted a few questions about the subject during this weekend’s #writechat Twitter party, hoping for some advice. Instead I walked away with a sour taste in my mouth because of a single comment which made me feel like I was too much trouble to even bother responding to.

Then I found one lovely ghoster through my own research who has been kind enough to share some valuable knowledge with me. I’d mention his name, but haven’t gotten the green light on that one yet. His kindness made it (almost) stop pouring. The craziness in my head slowed down to a slow and annoying drizzle.

I’m thrilled to have been called. Excited at the prospect, even. But I am scared shitless. Telling my own story? Piece of cake! It’s my own ego to worry about if the proposal makes the agents I query point and laugh. Quite another when it’s someone else’s work!

I know that no matter how much time I have to prepare, the first time I do anything I am always deliciously terrified. I haven’t committed to the project yet, but when/if I do, it’s going to be the scariest first-time-ever for me in recorded history…until the next project comes along.

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